In The Backseat

Sunday, i woke up at seven or so and had an amazing breakfast for once. nathan and laura picked me up around eight and drove to big sur. all the while laura kept laying on us and trying to get comfortable.. i don't think that ever really worked out for anyone but her haha. we listened to music and looking out the window was beautiful. we took a hike and the trees were incredibly green and the air was clean and piney. the creek-river (kind of inbetween i suppose) was cold and clear. i really needed to get out of my house and this was the perfect escape. after falling in the creek, lots of laughs and jumping over rocks, taking photos, we went to a garden and there was a nest made out of sticks of course filled with pillows and we layed and drank apple cider. we had a pillow fight which was a lot of fun until laura and nathan decided to gang up on me and i got my ass beat man. i even got a concussion. who gets a concussion from a pillow fight? i guess i do..
riding home was a lot more comfortable though and enjoyable. i actually think i slept a little.

We All Live In A Yellow Submarine, A Yellow Submarine.. A Yellow Submarine

friday i went to volunteer at bishop's peak carnival after a walk to a friends house in the rain. i painted little childrens faces which filled me with some much needed warmth and joy inside. it smelled exactly like when i was in kindergarden in the classroom, like buckeye. it made me miss my childhood memories in sacramento so much. i didn't want to leave so soon, but laura, alison, and i then went to coffee night which was quite entertaining. i really liked the performance with all the fog that reminded me a lot of sonic youth. along with some other really funny skits. i walked back out into the rain after some nice hugs and danced in it, getting soaked. nighttime escapades, and then finally went and saw across the universe with alex, alison, laura, nick, and robin. it was amazing. so many parts reminded me of kenzie in small ways and i wished she were sitting next to me in the theatre too. it put a smile on myself that robin knew her, just to hear her name. i miss you so much kenzie, and i really realized how much then.

postponed sleep:

drank tea, talked, midnight walk, layed down to look at the painting above our heads and wished you were lying beside me. walked back into the warmth of a cozy house, learned how to knit, drank more tea, talked more, watched a movie, and finally layed down around 4:30 or so. woke up and made ourselves more tea :)

Sydney In The White Coat

i was so overwhelmed in thought every minute and every second of today, i could barely focus. the most i think that maybe anyone got out of me was only a nod of acknowledgement. when i got home i tried to finish the drawing i started lastnight, but i got so silently frustrated with myself, screaming at myself in my head, i laid down on my floor for only a few minutes and i fell asleep somehow. i guess i was lying there on the floor with a pencil in my hand for three or four hours, and i felt so weighted down and my body felt numb when i finally opened my eyes. even now, my throat feels unsure if it wants to let me breathe. i feel like i'm going to choke. i still feel asleep now, i wonder if all that was a dream. or if i'm dreaming now. i'm so confused. my mind is playing tricks on me

Let's Lie in The Garden and Watch The Weeds Grow.

i woke up this morning from a terrifying dream of eating ice cream and sour cream and for some odd reason, i thought it really happened. but i only noticed that it didn't when i saw the sour cream in the fridge and there was no strawberry ice cream in the freezer. i felt so relieved.

alex, alison, laura and i rode our bikes to avila beach and we found the most beautiful spot with white rocks and caves to explore. we played in the sand and water and i felt like a child. i feel like a child now. i just got out of a nice warm bath and after putting on my pajamas, i saw that we had some 'no more tangles' on our counter and i decided to use it.. cause i needed it anyway after a day at the ocean. the familiar smell was comforting and i can smell it now on my damp hair. i got a chance to sit in the sand and write too, i let the sun hit my back and for the first time in a long time, i smiled with the blue sky and i was happy for it to be daytime. we rode back after quite a while and stopped on the side of the road and at an apple orchard to take some photographs. it was beautiful there and i didn't want to leave. finally getting home, after a much waiting and parents making things stressful again, i made myself some white rose mint tea and took a bath.

bathtime:
submerged myself and listened to the beat of my heart, felt the warm water caress my skin and bubbles crawl up my face. i felt comfortable, but then forgot that if i wanted to stay alive, i had to breathe. which meant leaving that. survival is uncomfortable sometimes, but necessary. it seems to always get in the way of things

in an ocean of noise:

i hated and loved the uncomfortable silence, the pushed back tears, your eyes reflecting the flicker. i loved hearing your voices. today was so many different feelings. one minute i was laughing and smiling and then the next i was crying. your hug made me feel so much better laura, and i don't know what i would do without you to talk to, to make me smile. the violet tea in my little oriental flowery mug made me feel a little more like myself again. i really enjoy being out of my house, and i wish it was like that all of the time. even if i'm feeling a little empty, it's better to feel that way somewhere else. walking back to the car, i looked up at the stars and looked ahead of me, at my friends walking together and i imagined myself evaporating and liked the idea.

and i loved hearing you sing tonight. your faces looked so beautiful in the dim candlelight

Let's Be Fearless

i wish people would ask me things.

and i wish you would not be afraid of my reaction. (i wish i wouldn't be afraid of your reactions)