In The Backseat

Sunday, i woke up at seven or so and had an amazing breakfast for once. nathan and laura picked me up around eight and drove to big sur. all the while laura kept laying on us and trying to get comfortable.. i don't think that ever really worked out for anyone but her haha. we listened to music and looking out the window was beautiful. we took a hike and the trees were incredibly green and the air was clean and piney. the creek-river (kind of inbetween i suppose) was cold and clear. i really needed to get out of my house and this was the perfect escape. after falling in the creek, lots of laughs and jumping over rocks, taking photos, we went to a garden and there was a nest made out of sticks of course filled with pillows and we layed and drank apple cider. we had a pillow fight which was a lot of fun until laura and nathan decided to gang up on me and i got my ass beat man. i even got a concussion. who gets a concussion from a pillow fight? i guess i do..
riding home was a lot more comfortable though and enjoyable. i actually think i slept a little.

We All Live In A Yellow Submarine, A Yellow Submarine.. A Yellow Submarine

friday i went to volunteer at bishop's peak carnival after a walk to a friends house in the rain. i painted little childrens faces which filled me with some much needed warmth and joy inside. it smelled exactly like when i was in kindergarden in the classroom, like buckeye. it made me miss my childhood memories in sacramento so much. i didn't want to leave so soon, but laura, alison, and i then went to coffee night which was quite entertaining. i really liked the performance with all the fog that reminded me a lot of sonic youth. along with some other really funny skits. i walked back out into the rain after some nice hugs and danced in it, getting soaked. nighttime escapades, and then finally went and saw across the universe with alex, alison, laura, nick, and robin. it was amazing. so many parts reminded me of kenzie in small ways and i wished she were sitting next to me in the theatre too. it put a smile on myself that robin knew her, just to hear her name. i miss you so much kenzie, and i really realized how much then.

postponed sleep:

drank tea, talked, midnight walk, layed down to look at the painting above our heads and wished you were lying beside me. walked back into the warmth of a cozy house, learned how to knit, drank more tea, talked more, watched a movie, and finally layed down around 4:30 or so. woke up and made ourselves more tea :)

Sydney In The White Coat

i was so overwhelmed in thought every minute and every second of today, i could barely focus. the most i think that maybe anyone got out of me was only a nod of acknowledgement. when i got home i tried to finish the drawing i started lastnight, but i got so silently frustrated with myself, screaming at myself in my head, i laid down on my floor for only a few minutes and i fell asleep somehow. i guess i was lying there on the floor with a pencil in my hand for three or four hours, and i felt so weighted down and my body felt numb when i finally opened my eyes. even now, my throat feels unsure if it wants to let me breathe. i feel like i'm going to choke. i still feel asleep now, i wonder if all that was a dream. or if i'm dreaming now. i'm so confused. my mind is playing tricks on me

Let's Lie in The Garden and Watch The Weeds Grow.

i woke up this morning from a terrifying dream of eating ice cream and sour cream and for some odd reason, i thought it really happened. but i only noticed that it didn't when i saw the sour cream in the fridge and there was no strawberry ice cream in the freezer. i felt so relieved.

alex, alison, laura and i rode our bikes to avila beach and we found the most beautiful spot with white rocks and caves to explore. we played in the sand and water and i felt like a child. i feel like a child now. i just got out of a nice warm bath and after putting on my pajamas, i saw that we had some 'no more tangles' on our counter and i decided to use it.. cause i needed it anyway after a day at the ocean. the familiar smell was comforting and i can smell it now on my damp hair. i got a chance to sit in the sand and write too, i let the sun hit my back and for the first time in a long time, i smiled with the blue sky and i was happy for it to be daytime. we rode back after quite a while and stopped on the side of the road and at an apple orchard to take some photographs. it was beautiful there and i didn't want to leave. finally getting home, after a much waiting and parents making things stressful again, i made myself some white rose mint tea and took a bath.

bathtime:
submerged myself and listened to the beat of my heart, felt the warm water caress my skin and bubbles crawl up my face. i felt comfortable, but then forgot that if i wanted to stay alive, i had to breathe. which meant leaving that. survival is uncomfortable sometimes, but necessary. it seems to always get in the way of things

in an ocean of noise:

i hated and loved the uncomfortable silence, the pushed back tears, your eyes reflecting the flicker. i loved hearing your voices. today was so many different feelings. one minute i was laughing and smiling and then the next i was crying. your hug made me feel so much better laura, and i don't know what i would do without you to talk to, to make me smile. the violet tea in my little oriental flowery mug made me feel a little more like myself again. i really enjoy being out of my house, and i wish it was like that all of the time. even if i'm feeling a little empty, it's better to feel that way somewhere else. walking back to the car, i looked up at the stars and looked ahead of me, at my friends walking together and i imagined myself evaporating and liked the idea.

and i loved hearing you sing tonight. your faces looked so beautiful in the dim candlelight

Let's Be Fearless

i wish people would ask me things.

and i wish you would not be afraid of my reaction. (i wish i wouldn't be afraid of your reactions)

je suis une mite.

You knew in five minutes,

But I knew in a sentence
You knew in five minutes,
But I knew in a sentence

So, why do we go through all of this again?

Your eyes are flutterin'

Such pretty wings.

A moth, flyin' into the same old flame again

It never ends

It's not like I dropped the bomb, on my conscience mom

It takes fightin' day and night to make such a good thing die

Out, everyone out

I give too much shit at home

In my heart and mind

It gets me every time

It gets me every time

It gets me every time.

So, why do we go through all this shit again?

Your eyes are flutterin'

Such pretty wings

A moth flyin' into me

The same old flame again

It never ends

faces that i miss. decisions i regret?

what if? what if? what if? what if? what if? what if? what if? what if? what if i told you? what if i said the things i was about to say that night? why can't i talk? why? how can i feel this way when it's the last way i want to feel? what if this is only the beginning? what if this is the beginning of the end? what if? what if? what if? what if? what if? what if? what if? what if? what if? what if? what if? what if? what if you loved me?



what if this was all in my head?
yeah, well it's over now, so i suppose it makes no difference.

My Head's a Carousel of Pictures, The Spinning Never Stops.

i can't fucking stand being in my house anymore. i'm more upset at myself than anything though for letting it frustrate me like this and letting it make me feel so goddamn negative. i just want to get away. away from everything. i like dreaming of starting over, and living somewhere else and have nobody i know there and i could have some time to think and be alone somewhere beautiful, where i could just be free and live.

time drags on slowly. i feel like i have been waiting in line for something all my life. and i don't even know what it is. i just want to sit in the backseat. gaze out the window at the countryside during a car ride to somewhere far away. i think i would take kenzie with me. she would love that. and maybe nathan too. and we'd listen to music, amazing music of course, and we would catch up and have some amazing conversatios again. and when we came across somewhere we would want to stay a while, we would. and we would just live and be.

i just want to get lost.

Go Find Yourself A Dry Place.

I wish there was something I could do for you
I wish there were some words I could say
But I know that you thought it out so well
And I know there is nothing I should say
Figured it all out, figured it all out
And nothing stands up to biology
And truth is built on shaky ground
Depression's all I get from philosophy
And do I really, do I really want the truth I've found?

Who's to blame? The educated remains of dead scholars?
So tell me what's the point of surviving
Why do we try so hard to stay alive?
We know that nothing we do really matters
And it, it will wash away with time
It'll wash away with time
Wash away with time
But there's a feeling I get when the amp is loud enough
And there's a feeling I get when she smiles at me
And there's a feeling I get when I'm staying awake with you, girl
Stay awake with you
And that is all there is, and that is all I need
Someday you'll see, that is truth
The body grows tired when no sleep can mend it
And time has chased and killed all of our friends
There's no place left in the sky for them to send us to
Just lay down and let the light come through the doors
Cover up our dreams, cover up the years
As you take, our bodies will make the raspberries grow

someitmes you fieel like you're on something even thoughi t's juts you going fucking insane and you have a headache and that's not helping either..

je nage mais le sons me suivent!! ahhh

i find that life is easier, when it's just a blur with no details to confuse

i really want to say what's on my mind right now.. but i don't want to. no: i really need to say what's on my mind right now, but i can't.

The Red Curtain.

i woke up this morning to the sound of stillness. i layed there on the couch upstairs and listened to songs from the black mountain music project (a most amazing album by mirah & ginger brooks takahashi). and i resumed dreaming only to find i was awake throughout by the end of the cd.. which i didn't notice before.

then i got up and felt the sudden need to make some music of my own. even though i am a little hopeless when it comes to that. but i would sure love to write and experiment until i created a song. now i think i shall go pick up my violin and try and tune it..

Don't Make A Sound.

today i went to a little old used bookstore downtown and i wish i was there now. the shelves were filled with so many books i have yet to touch and it was overwhelming, but in a way that made me feel hopeful and youthful to the fact that there is so much i haven't done. i felt so at home there in the silence, surrounded by all the books and words that filled the books and meanings that filled the words. i didn't want to leave. i just wanted to stay there in the poetry section sweeping my fingers across all of the dusty old spines. i read a poem in a book i don't remember the name of and it brought a tear to my eye. it was so beautiful. i didn't share it with anyone though, i wanted so badly to keep it to myself and hold on to it forever, and be the only one holding on to it. i realized i keep a lot of little thoughts to myself and i think it keeps everyone from knowing certain parts about me. i don't think anyone in the whole world can say they truly do know me: my every little freckle, and my every little scar. but i guess time will charm you, and it charms the ones you love.

oh how i wish it would snow

i haven't felt like myself lately. or maybe i've felt more like myself than i ever have before. either way, it scares me.. and it scares me to be afraid of myself. days drag on now and i all i want to do is snuggle up with someone and watch a movie or listen to music.. go to boo boos and browse through all the albums i don't have and don't have the money to buy. i just miss everything i would be doing right now if i felt like myself. i'm listening to a chirstmas album right now. and i want it to be that time more than ever,. the frosty air and a hot cup of tea. a soft kiss on a rosy cold cheek and a scarf wrapped around a neck so warm. and looking up at the stars in the wintertime

Contrast and Compare.

so what do you do when you're stuck inbetween knowing the truth and thinking the truth? is there a difference when you're thinking the truth? because how do you know if it's really true. is it a safe assumption? i guess there are times when you really do know even though you don't have complete proof. but how do you even know if it's truly one of those times?

and then when you convince yourself it must be true, is it worth the pain? because it might not be true.. there is that chance that it might not be true.

sometimes i think i overthink things! look, i'm even thinking about that. and that. and that. and that. and that. and this. and these. and those. and this. and that. and everything.

The 613 Sadnesses of Brod D.

sadnesses i've been feeling lately:

sadness of finishing a book
What if? sadness
sadness of being misunderstood
sadness of love
sadness of not knowing enough words to express what you mean
sadness of remembering
sadness of the could-have-been
secret sadness
sadness of loving and not being loved back
sadness of your dreams not being real when you wake up
sadness of not being able to create what you imagine yourself creating